Morning Swim


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paranoid and pregnant

Ossie's on the floor eating pieces of an almond. He's got a dinosaur shirt on that we pretend is really a horse shirt. He likes to sign the word horse and then fake laugh (his version of Neigh!). We just spent the last 20 minutes looking at animal pictures online.

The temperature is supposed to get all the way to 70 today. For once, I am not about to complain about global warming. Having this kid in this tiny trailer every damned day (because it's been cold!) is not the most fun in the world. I mean, it's not as bad as I thought it would be, but still not the best.

Damn. Hours later since I wrote the above. I walked down to the bridge with Oz, talked with our neighbor down the way, and now I'm here. Sitting outside, while the baby plays. This should feel good, right? But I'm anxious anxious. I've been up hours every night, sometimes crying, sometimes just frozen in a ball of despair/worry/depression. The past three months have honestly sucked. I hate feeling like this--feeling like no one actually wants a thing to do with me (I even get jealous of our awesome babysitter. She's Jeff's new best friends and Ossie adores her and I feel left out and lonely. She and her daughter are coming over today, during the small window when I'm not actually at home, and this makes me feel sucky. Like why did they decide on that particular time? Paranoid and sucky. I wrote her an email last week or the week before about something she had told me, expressing my sympathy, and she never wrote back. Meanwhile she writes Jeff (and includes my name in the emails) all the time. It's not like I think anything is up between the two of them--it just makes me feel lonely and uncool. Left out.)

What the hell. Ossie has gotten himself coated in mud. I love it. When we walk in the woods, he loves to just sit down and look at everything around him: pine combs, gum balls, mossy rocks, leaves, pine branches, pine needles, lichen. He's lovely. He also has this great sense of direction when he's outside--we'll be cutting through the woods and he'll try to figure out a way to the road (and he'll be right). I read this book--Deep Survival (I got it for Jeff for his birthday last year) and in it the guy talks about how little kids, under the age of 5, are great at surviving outdoors. They see the world as it actually is, unlike the rest of us. I see that in Ossie, completely. If he's thirsty, he'll lay right down and take a sip from the ditch water (much to my chagrin--I do try to encourage him not to do this, so don't get all het up about it--not that there's any actual readers here--so I'm a shut up). Anyway. I think my kid is neat. I really like him and am always surprised by his personality.

Ok, well. I best hop in the shower and hie myself to work. Tough life--work at noon, home by 2:30. I don't know why I moan and groan so much.

7:36 a.m. - 2007-02-22


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